I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so explain again why im purple
no
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
