did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
