I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
