also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Your penis caused this!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
