Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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