It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
