3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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