Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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