I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
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