I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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