Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
