I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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