I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
