yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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