Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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