The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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