I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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