I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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