Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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