Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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