people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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