i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
