My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Randomize
