wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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