i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
