remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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