sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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