A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
