I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
