Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
