I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
