I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
40s are totally the cure
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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