Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
