apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
