You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
