went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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