I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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