I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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