we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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