i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
