I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
