If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
