it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
