did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Best friends brother. Beat that.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
