Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
