if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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