I puked a lego.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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