If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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