Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
