Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
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Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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