I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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