it was like his penis was on wheels.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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