dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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