I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
